19 July 2011

Uncertainty & Opportunity

(image:  the decorologist.com)

Yesterday we had a quiet day at home.  The kids and I actually stayed in PJs all day, even when we went to pick up dinner last night (thank goodness for drive thru, right?).  They needed a break after several late nights and days with no schedule, and I needed some time to process a big change in my life.

For almost 9 years now, I've worked for a teacher preparation program (one of the top in the state, it's a great program).  For the past 5 years, I've worked almost exclusively online for them...and pretty consistently.  In the past 4 years, I don't think more than 2-3 weeks have gone by when I wasn't contracted, and many weeks I had more than one contract...it was a great job, and one I could do at all hours of the day so it rarely affected my kids.

And then education in Texas started to unravel at the seams.  And if they're firing teachers left and right and there are hiring freezes across the board, we sure don't need to be pumping out more certified teachers. So, literally overnight, our program boom went bust.  And in walked uncertainty.

In the spring, I had a verbal contract for 9 months worth of work.  I was pretty psyched.  2 months in, you know what happened.  I was lucky to be able to finish the cycle I started in March (not everyone was that lucky, including LOTS of full-time people who work at the main office, unfortunately).

The March cycle ended Sunday night.  Other than my final report, I'm done with this job.

I just don't know what to feel about that.  I can't figure out if I'm stressed about money (well, sure), or if it's my same old issue--letting go of defining myself by what I DO, how much I ACCOMPLISH in a day/week/you get the idea.  Whatever it is, I need to let it go and move on.

I need to be grateful for this opportunity to grow.

I need to be grateful for the opportunity to spend dedicated time with my family (apart from the 8 hours/week I'm working for the school district for the next few weeks...then it'll be back up to half time, which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time...see how confused I am?).

I need to be grateful for the opportunity to pursue other interests, work out, spend dedicated time in Bible study...

...and I will be grateful for all of these things.  But I think maybe just for a little while more I need to be sad about what I'm missing.  And who knows, things could change tomorrow and I could pick up an August contract.  But for today, I'm out of one of my two jobs, and I need to come to grips with that.

The times, they are a-changin.
--Bob Dylan

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