He's so darn cute, too, which makes it all the harder.
Come on, who could keep a straight face while correcting/redirecting this guy?
He's so curious and ready to be big, but still so little in so many ways. Patience? Tiny. Frustration? Big. Curiosity? Big. Ability? Sometimes small. You get the idea. He wants...but can't have/do/see...you name it. Cue the fit-throwing, toy-throwing, sister-hitting/scratching/etc.
Cue my patience flying out the window, and me flying off the handle. Hmm, wonder where he gets that temper? Oh, yeah.
Every day I pray, because I know what kind of grace God offers to me on a daily--minutely, if there's such a word--basis, and I want to have that same kind of grace when it comes to my kids. Especially when they do stupid stuff.
Seriously--they just. do. stupid. stuff. sometimes. And it pisses me off.
We've really been struggling with him hitting Kayci and throwing things at her and just basically going after her whenever he gets grumpy about something. That has been a BIG problem around here the past few days. And I'm frustrated.
Then there's the toilet. He's doing great with underwear (yea!!). But then a behavior we thought was gone forever has reappeared. Yesterday we were at the library. Noble was wuving (loving) my hair and rubbed his hand across my face. And I smelled it...the kind of smell that says, hey, this hand was recently on a booty and not covered in toilet paper. Nasty. And I remembered right before we left for the library, big boy was on the potty and I had to stop him from emptying the toilet paper roll. Sigh. As it turns out, he'd empty the roll a little later yesterday and I'd have to get out the plunger...and I was most grumpy.
Fast forward to today, after lunch, I send him to the potty and walk by and darned if he's not doing it AGAIN. Only this time, he's done it--poop on the hand, toilet full of toilet paper, roll empty. MAD MOMMY. So I spanked his hand and yelled at him. We finished his business, I talked to him about it more, then it was time for nap.
As we were laying there, he's cuddled up on my arm and snuffling since I hurt his feelings more than his hand, and I am just touched by how much I love this kid. And I told him, Mommy loves you...I just don't understand why you keep making the same bad choices over and over...
...and it hit me like a ton of bricks. HE is ME. I keep making the same bad choices over and over again, putting the wrong foods in my mouth, yelling at my kids when a quiet voice would be kinder, being overly critical, being impatient, being selfish...you name it, I sin. Over and over again.
We have really been working with Noble on not just saying "sorry" whenever he does something wrong, but apologizing and telling the person that he won't do it again. Aren't I doing the same thing every day with God? It's a sin to keep taking the same things to Him again and again, asking for his forgiveness and then NOT changing what I'm doing.
He is me. And I am wrong, and I will change. Starting with not finishing this throwback I poured to go with the lunch that wasn't what I was supposed to be eating. Starting with being patient and giving my kids the same grace God gives me. Starting now.
It felt good, and horrible all at the same time, to realize this while I lay there with my Bubby. I have some work to do, Lord.
Parenting is so humbling.