Noble and I have been up since 3. At about 4:45, I noticed our bedroom light was on so I went in to say good morning to James, let him know we were up (Noble and I went to the living room to see if vertical sleeping would help Darth Baby sleep...helped him, but not Mommy so much). Anyway, James was putting on his shoes, getting ready to go work out.
As he was leaving, he noticed that I was less than enthusiastic. God love him, he was brave enough to ask, "are you grumpy that I'm going?" (I've ruined the poor boy, he really does say things like that.) And that one statement summed it all up, and I tried to explain it. No, I'm not grumpy that James is going to work out--I'm GLAD because it makes him happy. But what I told him is that I want to be able to go...I wouldn't go if I could, because of that sick, snotty baby sitting on the floor playing with BaBa, but I wish I could go. I wish I could leave for 8 hours every day, get 8 hours of work done, come home feeling accomplished. I wish I could go work out each day so I can tackle some of MY issues. I wish, in short, that I could GO.
But, as I told James...I CAN GO. I have opportunities to do all of those things, when it gets right down to it, and I choose to STAY. I could have gone back to work, outside the house, full time this year. But the thought of moving to Houston, exposing Kayci to the world we left behind, putting Noble in daycare, giving up this wonderful little life...no thanks. I have to admit, the paycheck was tempting--until I realized that by the time we paid more for a house, more for daycare, etc. I'd make about the same I make now, from home. And my kids wouldn't have the family life they have now, so no thanks.
If you're not understanding this, then you're probably not a Mommy, and that's okay. I'm not entirely sure James understood, or understands. This week has been a bit rough, being on house arrest while my Dad was in the hospital and then yesterday, missing the big homecoming because of Feverish Floyd. But it's okay, because I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. Because truth be told, I have wonderful friends who would keep Noble, sick or no. I have a wonderful friend who offered to keep him today so I can go on Kayci's field trip as planned. So you see, I could GO. But I can't, because I need to stay until he's better. And deep down, as much as I want to go, I want to stay, too.
It's tough being the Mommy.