21 November 2008

One foot in front of the other...

Today is the hardest day I've had in a long time.  It's been a rough week, rough few months.  It's so funny--most days, I'm okay.  As long as I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, doing the things we do every day, I'm okay.  If I stay in the NOW, I'm okay.  Last week, I spent a lot of time in the past, working on Dad's birthday gift, journaling memories and thinking about how awesome life has been since that first positive pregnancy test 6 years ago.  And I apologize if anyone reading this takes this personally, but my parents have been there every step of the way.  I know that my close relationship with them is a blessing (believe me, sometimes it's a curse, we're so much alike and drive each other nuts sometimes!), and I'm further blessed that James loves them and accepts them and has allowed our families to be one for all of this time.  For years, I've just thought of Mom & Dad as one with us...the plan, for the past 3 years, has been for them to move up here and be with us when Mom retires.  Depending on when that is, we might buy a house to share or, hopefully, be able to afford a place that has a house & a guest house or at least a separate living area for them.  That probably strikes fear in some of your hearts, to think of sharing space with your parents.  Not me, for the most part.  :)  It's just kind of been the plan,  when my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's the 4 of us talked about it a lot and since then it's just been...the plan.  

Here I'll backtrack:  one of my biggest obstacles in my walk with God is my pride, my belief in my ability to be in control of things.  I know this, I accept this, I work on this.  And a lot of times, I'm pretty good at it.  Then something big happens and there it is again, blocking my path.  A few weeks ago in church the song "Ruin Me" reminded me of my own shortcomings, my struggle.  So I promised to do what I could, live in the now and take care of now first.  And for the most part, I'm doing it.

Tuesday night, Mom, Dad and I were talking about when Mom will retire.  That conversation, I think, unlocked something I've tried really hard to not think about this past few months.  I've said it with my mouth, but I haven't dealt with it in my heart.  The simple fact is, there are no guarantees.  Dad may NOT be here much longer, but honestly, I could drop dead right now at the computer.  So why am I grieving a possible change in plans, that hasn't happened yet and may not happen?  Why am I WORRYING so much?  Why can't I give that back to God...He's in control.  I know that--good thing, because I'd have completely screwed this one up.  God's doing great, my Dad has a great attitude and is at peace with everything.  

That's another thing--people talk about finding peace with losing someone.  Well, that's not it at all.  It's not finding peace with death--it's finding peace with how we've lived our lives.  Have we said what we needed to say, been who we needed to be?   God, help me to remember to work on those things each and every day, in every relationship.

I ramble.  These are the things on my mind today.  On top of everything else, James and I are dealing with some long-term birth control options and having to face the fact that I will not, cannot have another baby is another struggle right now.  That's kind of my Dad's fault, as well--sorry, Dad, know you didn't mean to make me sad--but yesterday we were talking and he said, there'll never be another one like him (Noble).  Not for a million dollars could you come up with another baby like Noble, or Kayci.  I know he's partial, but I agree.  (Of course, he feels that way about all of his grandkids, and I must say, my brothers have made some awesome kids, as well.)  For whatever reason, God has truly blessed James & me with amazing, fun, smart, kind, beautiful, wonderful kids.  I am grateful for that, for them, every single day--and just awed by the everyday blessings.  What I'm dealing with this morning is that we're not just talking about my body, protecting it...we're talking about no more babies for us.  That's tough.  But the thing is, we have to face it and deal with it--we've had 9 months to come to grips with the fact that I'm not able to have more babies, and now we have to figure out the best way to make that happen.  Sigh.  When we found out Noble was a boy, James joked, "we're done--there's our 2."  Well, he was half-joking, he only wanted two.  Looks like you win this one, Boy-o.  

Sorry to bum you out if you're reading.  Just needed to get it off my chest.  And if you're one of those people who've called and wondered why I didn't call back, I've got a lot on my mind this week.  This weekend, time at home with James & the kids, is what I need...a heaping dose of normal, to get me grounded once again in the now.

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