19 April 2011

Before and After

We go to the circus every year, so we have lots of these pictures.  But this one stands out, because it's the year the kids and I went with Lynn and Hannah (James was unable to go with us).  It's also the picture that defines a turning point in my life.  This was taken on July 22, 2008. It was the day I got the call that Dad's doctor had trouble doing a normally simple procedure and Dad needed to go in the next day for another test.  It was the day before Dad was diagnosed with cancer, but I already knew in this picture.  We all knew, I think, including Dad.  The test would just confirm it.

This was "before."  And "after?"  Well, "after" has been two years today.  Is this April 19th easier than last April 19th?  Yes.  They say time heals all wounds, and it really does.  But last week, catching an unexpected glimpse of my Dad in my cousin's wedding picture almost brought me to my knees.  You just never know, in this "after" life, what's gonna do it.

But it's not all bad--this has been a wonderful two years.  There have been so many more good days than bad.  Today I took some time and reread some old blog posts, and it feels good to know that I'm in a much better place today than I was a year ago.  Do I miss him?  Yes.  Does it hurt?  Yes.  Am I going to make it...are we all going to make it?  Yes.  Do I have more to say?  Yes.  Can I say it all right now?  No.  Will I say it all, eventually?  Who knows.  It comes out as it comes out...days go by when I don't talk about it at all, and some of it isn't mine to talk about.  It is, as we say around here, what it is.

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