Here's the thing: a year ago this week, our lives were changing in huge ways. I think of history in terms of days, not always dates, so as we've gone through this week it's like, okay, a year ago today (Monday) we took the kids to Schlitterbahn so we could have one last hurrah before they left for Taiwan. (And we thought THAT was going to be the hardest thing we faced this past year. Ha!) A year ago yesterday, Kayci, Noble and I went into Houston to spend the day with Lynn and go to the circus with her and Hannah. Dad had a procedure scheduled that day (a scope that would stretch his throat, something he'd done several times due to his Parkinson's), and when I got a phone call midday I knew immediately that something was wrong. The doctor could not do the scope, and went out into the waiting room and told Mom that he was sending Dad for a CT scan the next day. When he put his hand on her shoulder, Mom just knew. So we went to the circus that night; James and Mom and I talked about it at length, and decided that we needed to give that to the kids because there was no telling what was coming next. We went, and we did have a great time with Lynn & Hannah. But afterwards, I remember sitting there at Lynn's house thinking, tomorrow our lives are going to change forever. That was a long, long night. The next morning I went with Mom and Dad, and they told us that the results of the CT scan might not be back until the next day. So we went and picked up Kayci and went back to their house for naps. When the phone rang, I didn't want to answer it because I knew. The doctor wanted to see Dad, immediately. So we dropped the kids off at KinderCare on our way to the doctor's office and went, knowing what we were going to hear. And that still doesn't prepare you for hearing, it's cancer. The rest of that day is a bit of a blur. I remember talking to my brothers quite a bit, but I couldn't really tell you what we talked about. James came in right after work, but I don't really know what, if anything, we did that evening. The next day we went to the oncologist for the first time, and he explained what was going on and what the odds were, what the treatment was, etc. It was another long day but it passed in a blur. The next day, Friday, was Mom's birthday. We went out and bought new living room furniture for them and Dad wanted to go to James Avery to buy her birthday gift. It wasn't a very fun birthday for Mom, needless to say, but it was nice to have the distraction of redecorating their living room. And finally, the next day, Saturday, we had lunch with Mom, Dad and Ronny's family as planned to say goodbye before they left for Taiwan. That's Ronny's story to tell, but I feel comfortable speaking for the rest of us when I say that I'm glad they went--Dad wanted that more than anything. I was glad when they came home early, too, but I'm so glad they got to go and have that opportunity as a family. It was bittersweet, to say the least.
So that's where my head is...in this week, last year. Now it's "that week" again, and we'll go back into Houston for Mom's birthday and the circus this weekend. I don't know what either will be like, but I know that we'll end up having a good time, because we have to. Like it or not, life goes on. Easy or hard, life goes on. And we can't do anything less than honor the fact that each day is a gift and should be treated as such. As hard as it seems some days, we have to just live in the moment and make sure to keep the first things first (for us, that's faith, family and friends...although we need to work on getting back into a regular church routine). Like all things in life, we have to strike a balance between living in the moment and being good stewards of our gifts and planning for tomorrow. That's one thing that has been such a shock since Dad died, that we can make plans again. I hate to admit that it was a relief, in a lot of ways, to be able to plan to go out of town, etc. That's worn off since then, but there's still a bit of wonder when I think that we can make plans and be reasonably assured that we'll keep them. There's no more, I plan to be there, but...which was a heck of a way to work last year, let me tell ya. But now I'm babbling.
I thought if I sat down and let it out, it would let go of me and I could get to work. Not yet, but it'll come. I wouldn't trade a minute or a single experience this past year, as I've learned and grown from it all. But to look back at this week last year and remember each step of the process of our lives changing...it's so, so awesome (in the big way, not the cool way) to see where we are today compared to where we were a year ago. And here's where I get frustrated with my selfishness: Dad is the one who suffered, Dad is the one who was sick, Dad is the one who died. Mom is the one who stood by his side every step of the way, suffered alongside him, and lost her husband. But I keep saying "we." I feel guilty for being so selfish. So many of my friends have lost parents, spouses, siblings, loved ones...even children. Our grief--my grief--is no bigger or more important than any of those. I hate that I can't let it go and move on. Not enough to go to counseling, so don't even say it, but enough that I know that I need to get out from under it and get on with it.
So here's the first step...I'm going to get to work. I told Kayci she can watch one movie while I work (or blog for 45 minutes, whatever) and then she and I are going to put together her San Antonio scrapbook. I'm not going to dwell on what we were doing a year ago...I'm going to leave it here. And after lunch, I'll work some more while she reads. And then we'll get Nobley and enjoy James' first night off this week (that overtime check is going to be great for back-to-school clothes!)...and I'll be grateful for the little things, like Noble's infatuation with Spot the fish and Kayci's habit of reading every single word...everywhere...aloud. I'll be grateful for being able to have dinner together as a family, and for the fresh food we'll eat. :) (I love summer.) And I'm grateful, right now, for my job(s) and the amazing opportunities before me right now...and I'll keep on praying for balance between that and my family life. And I'm grateful for a clean house and happy kids. And a great sundress today. Alrighty, enough already--I'm back to work...
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