05 February 2013

Day 5: self portrait

Last night I peeked to see that today's photo prompt was "self portrait."  I confess, I went and chose a cute outfit for today and everything since I'd be posting a picture of myself.  Sure, I pretended like I was choosing a cute outfit for Kayci's lunch today (her GT class has invited families for lunch under the stars today), but it was pure vanity.

Ah, vanity.

We meet again.

I woke up this morning with a different outlook, however, and that cute outfit didn't seem like a good idea.  It felt...false.  As I was outside cleaning gutters (yes) in my grubbies and unwashed hair (which with this wire, means pure fuzz), I realized that I'd already been seen in carline looking like a washwoman.  And my family sees me like this every day.  So why would I try to put a different ME on my blog just because of a photo challenge?

And it all fit in nicely with what God's working on with me this week.  To the outside world, I present a picture of someone who has it together.  On the inside, when I let it all hang out, I see the truth.  I don't have it all together.  In the past couple of days, I've seen a huge amount of sin in my closest relationship, and that's hard to deal with.  Especially as it's my sin.  I didn't want to see it, have refused to look at it for years, in fact, but there it is.  There comes a time when you have to quit running from it. My time was Sunday, right before and after I took that picture of James heading off to the Super Bowl.
And every moment since, this has been first and foremost in my mind.

I've got a lot of 'splainin to do.

But we'll leave it at that for now.

Yesterday I sent a picture to my friend when she asked what I was doing.  I sent a picture of photos and CRAP spread all over my room.  She texted back, "I love that you're in the picture, too!"  Sure enough, there I was in the mirror.

So that's my self-portrait today.  Amidst my mess.

With dirty clothes and dirty feet from washing the deck, and toes I touched up last night but left messy because that's how I roll.  It'll come off in the shower, right?  Guess I'd better shower.  :/

Last week a friend from high school posted a Valentine's Day challenge on her facebook page.  She challenged everyone to take 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and replace the word "love" with our name.  i.e., "Kristi is patient, Kristi is kind..."

Yikes.  Yeah, I didn't fare so well.  Sure, I do okay with those things out in public, but at home with my family?  Nuh uh.  So I guess that's when it started clicking that I've got a LOT of work to do.

Sunday evening, I busted out some chalkboard vinyl and threw this up over my desk so I'll see it often. Instead of replacing "love" with my name, though, I put in "respect."

So that's my goal--respect.  In my relationship with my Boy, in my home, period.

Wish me luck, friends.  This would be the OPPOSITE of my self-portrait right now...

Oh, yeah.  I left the cute outfit hanging up to wear to work tomorrow.  Here I am all clean and stuff.  The only full-length mirror in our house is currently graffiti-ed with love notes for Daddy, and I didn't feel like a photo challenge was sufficient reason to wipe it off.  So here I am, in all my graffitied glory.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch date with my family under the stars.  :)

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