It's been a rough few months around here as James and I have both been working...a LOT. For the past few weeks, even though my work schedule has let up some, it hasn't been any easier around here. We're off, our kids are off...as wonderful as things are, something's just not right.
A couple of weeks ago, things came to a head and James and I got into an argument about spending time together. Wives, we KNOW that makes him want to hang out with us right? Not so much, but dang if I didn't go there, anyway.
You won't be shocked to know that the week after that conversation was pretty tense. Sigh. That was on me, and I knew it.
Then this past weekend, I pointed out something that James did that made me feel unloved: he didn't ask me how I was feeling the day after I came home sick from work AND had a pretty bad fall on a wet floor and hurt myself. In his defense, I acted like I was fine. I'm a Mommy--that's what we do. Let me know when I've got time to lay around and fall apart, guys, and I'm. So. In.
Long story short, the next day, my old Boy was back. Kind and loving, touching me for no reason, doing and saying all of the things that normally make me feel so loved. He's been very sweet since then, and has really made a point to spend time with me these past few days. We've made some pretty amazing family plans.
Buuuuuut...I didn't realize until this morning how hurt I was from the past few months of being "off." This morning we were making some fun plans for this weekend (our family time hasn't suffered, thank goodness), and somehow we got from there to talking about us. And man alive, did we need that talk. We started off on different pages, and I thought we'd have to just agree to disagree. But my sweet Boy kept pushing, and he let me know (in a nice way) that I've let HIM know over the past few days just how unhappy I am. Apparently I've been ignoring him when he's touched me or been sweet--ouch. He said, and this was the kicker, that I've been very "frowny."
The truth hurts, right? Him saying that in a non-threatening way caused the scales to fall off my eyes, y'all, and I saw this situation for what it was: as much as I would have told you differently 3 hours ago, for WEEKS I've been focused on what James has or has not been doing. I thought I was...can I use a really small font here so you don't see how stupid I am...right.
I thought I'd been wronged.
And I thought I was suffering silently.
Yeah, apparently I suck at that.
Dang, it's hard to see my own sin. But so necessary. I feel so much better, and I've admitted both to God and to James how wrong I've been. It's hard to ask forgiveness, and to humble myself.
Which is an ongoing issue with our oldest child, btw, and I know exactly where she gets it from.
Sigh. Her daddy.
Just kidding--it's an issue for both of us.
The funny thing is, and I guess it's not so funny when you know how God works, is that after we kissed and made up and went our separate ways, I got back to my quiet time. And in trying to get to Acts 9:18--yep, about Paul and the scales, huh, my Bible app somehow landed on Colossians 3:18. Imagine my surprise:
If you'd ask me, I'd tell you I've been working on submission for years but have just recently really made strides. But obviously, for every stride forward some days I take two back. It's a process, right?
I don't normally post about such private things on here, but I think every once in a while we all need to hear that it's not always all about what the other person is doing. We're always, always doing something, too. Even if what they're doing is worse...this is how my inner dialogue goes when I'm having an issue with my Boy: "But HE..." Yeah, God doesn't much care what James is doing--He cares that I'M doing the right thing.
Even when the right things is hard.
Even when the right thing is humbling.
Even when the right thing is opposite of what the world says women should do.
This life thing is tough, y'all.
Even when it's wonderful.
On a separate note, I've also been very grumpy about my family's housekeeping for the past few months. Like, griping pretty constantly at my sweet girl. This morning, before my attitude-changing encounter with my Boy, I read something by Lysa Terkeurst that I've read before, but I needed to see again:
I had already decided to view today through a lens of thankfulness, and to QUIT GRIPING.
After hearing from my Boy, I think that it's better late than never. So if you see me today, remind me: be thankful!