08 February 2010

Mirror Image

It's been an eye-opening experience, being back in the gym again for the first time in YEARS. I've had to face myself in the mirror, literally. Jonathan, our trainer, makes me watch in the mirror to make sure that I'm exercising correctly and so I can learn the form for when I'm on my own. Yesterday I did a set in front of the mirror and then when I turned away out of habit, he made me turn back. It wasn't a big deal, as deals go, but something fell into place. I realized that I don't ever LOOK at myself. I look at bits and pieces of me, whatever part I'm dressing or making up or whatever, but I don't every step back and look at the whole picture. That realization hit pretty hard. Over the past couple of weeks, so many truths have come to light about me and my body and how I've straight up neglected it and abused it for the past 7+ years. Longer than that, really. If we're being honest. Which I've decided to be--you've seen me. One day last week we did an inverted pose in yoga and I put my hands on my waist to steady my trunk. It was squishy. Like, it kind of grossed me squishy. And this is what James feels every day? Poor guy! That moment was a low point, but it made me realize that I've just ignored the parts of my body I haven't wanted to deal with. Legs getting cottage cheesy? Wear capris, not shorts. Post baby stomach? Longer, looser shirts. You get the picture--you girls have done it, too, I'm sure. I just haven't LOOKED at myself and seen the REAL me that you all have seen the past several years. I've ignored the wobbly bits that my husband sees every day. So this whole looking in the mirror thing has been eye-opening for me on so, so many levels.

Yesterday I kept my first food log since Quick Weight Loss back in 2005. Get this--I thought I had a GOOD day. I had my one cup of coffee in the morning (turns out with the milk and sugar, there's 100 calories) and water the rest of the day. I skipped the sausage in my breakfast burrito. I made a healthy salad for lunch. And here's where it gets dicey...after lunch, I was hungry. So I ate a couple of pieces of celery while I worked. Still hungry, so I grabbed a string cheese when I went to pick up the kids. Still hungry...so at dinner, I had a second serving of turkey goulash. And then ate a piece of Noble's bread. I didn't snack or have a beer or anything after dinner because I knew that second portion blew it for me (did I mention, Jonathan's going to review my food logs next Monday? Um, yeah.). This morning I added it all up...and get this: 1874 calories. If I'd had the sausage for breakfast, that would have been another 230 calories, putting me over 2000. Yes, I worked out for 2 hours yesterday, but I did NOT burn that many calories. Holy crap! I'd cry if it weren't so freakin' funny. I thought I'd done WELL yesterday, other than the second serving. I was hungry, for pete's sake!

So, here's the good news: I feel better after a couple of weeks of steady yoga and workouts. I'm on track to feeling like the old me again. I haven't known that girl in a long time, so I'm curious to see how she'll fit into my new, grown-up Mommy life. So far, she's taking away my blog and Bachelor time each week. Dammit.

Back to work...bet you're counting your calories right now, aren't you?

1 comment:

Tracye said...

One day a time, and don't be so hard on yourself. It will happen.