Profile

This morning, my Boy and I took advantage of the last weekday of his vacation and sat down and visited over our coffee (normally, he'd be checking e-mail and I'd be having quiet time...or reading blogs!).  One of the things that came up was a conversation I had with a friend last week about facebook depression--you know, how some people get really bummed when they read about everyone else's fabulous ____ (fill in the blank:  lives, meals, homes, spouses, kids, money, blah blah blah).  It made me sad to think about that, but I do think that some people ONLY post stuff online that they think makes them look _____ (fill in the blank:  happy, rich, successful, amazing, better than you, blah blah blah).  And that, of course, led to a discussion about how some people are a totally different person online.  Case in point:  a person whose profile lists a job he's never had.  Huh?  We all know someone like that, right?

One of the things I pride myself on is being real...even when it sucks.  You guys know I'm overweight, my bank account isn't overflowing (sometimes not even flowing at all...), that I'm impatient and imperfect.  Sure, you also know that I try to be a good wife and mom and daughter and aunt and friend and mentor to my teacher friends...I think the balance of good and bad stuff on here depends on my mood, for sure.  But if I'm coming across as a different person here on my blog and facebook than I am in real life--I mean this--let's talk about it privately.

Which leads me to the reason I took to blogger this morning:  my profile.  Professionally, things are changing for me.  I'm not sure what will happen next.  After this summer, I'll be a half-time mentor...it's the SAME job, but I'll no longer be classified as a consultant.  And since am not presently consulting for other school districts or Knowledge...I'm not a consultant.  I'm not writing anything right now, and don't have any contracts in the foreseeable future...so I'm not a writer.  I'm not teaching online...so I'm not a teacher.  (I know that one's debatable, since I teach my kids and teach teachers, yeah yeah...but that's not the point.)  As of today, my profile will be updated to reflect who I am today...not who I was before, and definitely not who I want to be.

Crap, does that mean I have to lose the fun picture, too?  Hmm.  I'm going to say no on that one, because it's so fun.  Does it help that I only use current pics of me on facebook?  Don't even get me started on all the people who never post pictures of themselves...

Let's start a trend, friends...let's be real to each other, and show the ones who are struggling that it's okay to be average, it's okay to have hot dogs instead of filet mignon...that it's okay to be who we are.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody is always happy.  We are who we are, it is what it is.

You know how on Bill & Ted they say, "be excellent to each other"?  (I love that movie!)...let's

be real to each other.

Jackson David

This isn't my story to tell, so I won't say much.  But I just want to shout from the rooftops that Jackson is HERE, he's well, and he's absolutely gorgeous!  When we got the call Tuesday morning that Lynn was going in to have Jackson...the world seemed to just stop turning.  James took over and got us all into the car and down to the hospital, 2+ hours away.  I don't know that I really, truly breathed until I saw Lynn with my own eyes an hour or so after Jackson was born.  

It was such an honor and a blessing to be standing in that hall with Hannah and David's mom and sister, and to get a first glimpse of this little miracle.  God's been working so hard to get Jackson ready for his early debut...he came out breathing on his own, and they were able to wheel him out to meet his family, just like any other baby.  He's got some growing to do, but that's to be expected.  Lynn is hanging in there...she sounds GREAT.  Last night she sounded like Lynn again.  Definitely stronger and feeling better, but again, those of us who have had a c-section know that she's got some recovering to do, so please keep BOTH of them, and David and Hannah,  in your prayers.  :)

If you watch "Grey's", the best way I can describe it is that Lynn is my person.  And this morning I am thanking God that she is okay, and he is okay...that is all that matters.  The rest?  Just details.  And we know God has a way of working that stuff out and showing us what's really important.  What a blessing it is to have a friend who is family, who will always be there even when I don't know what I need and who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, unconditionally.  Thank you, Lynn, for being my person for all of these years.  Standing in the hall the other day, waiting to hear that you were okay...don't ever do that to me again, okay?  :)  I know none of this is about me...but seriously, never again.  I am so much older today than I was when the week started!

And the countdown begins...

Today is the last day James works for 9 WHOLE DAYS!

No, we don't have any plans.

No, we're not going anywhere exciting (to you...our kids would probably disagree).

No, we don't have a ginormous to-do list of things we want/need to accomplish around the house.

No, we're not coming to visit you (sorry, it's true).

Yes, we are going to enjoy some much-needed down time, just the 4 of us.  Maybe at home, maybe on a day trip or two...we'll see where the week takes us.  Starting in 6 hours...

Inspired

Today wasn't the day we had planned, but it was a good day.  Noble goes to school on Wednesday, and the original plan was that it would give me one day a week to just focus on Kayci.  And, I've got a whole closet full of stuff waiting to be put into scrapbooks, and that was supposed to be our girls' summer project.

Hey, it's July 20th.  I've only got a couple more weeks of summer--it's probably time to get on that, right?  A friend came over today and was trying to compliment me on doing such a good job of cleaning stuff out and purging.  I cleared up that misconception really quick--I showed her the dreaded closet o' scrapbooking hell and told her our summer plan and our summer reality.  And I was really disheartened when I realized how many Wednesdays we've had this summer, and how we haven't done anything to a single scrapbook.

When things calmed down this afternoon, I told Kayci we were going to make some progress--so we pulled it all out and got started.  I am so grateful I started binders with day one of Kindergarten, so this is just the stuff from KinderCare and Methodist.  (Thank goodness--I think anymore would have made me run screaming from the room.  This is a lot of stuff that's just been hanging around for YEARS.)  Anyway, we got started.




And we enjoyed visiting about her old art projects and her time at KinderCare and in Ms. Alison's class...it was fun.  Messy, but fun.  Still messy, actually, but fun.




We didn't get anything finished, but we started.  And that feels pretty good!




Oh, and a PS--we DID get Noble's 2nd year into his scrapbook, but only because the pictures were ready to go from his 2nd birthday party.  That's pretty satisfying!  On to year 3 for him...

Uncertainty & Opportunity

(image:  the decorologist.com)

Yesterday we had a quiet day at home.  The kids and I actually stayed in PJs all day, even when we went to pick up dinner last night (thank goodness for drive thru, right?).  They needed a break after several late nights and days with no schedule, and I needed some time to process a big change in my life.

For almost 9 years now, I've worked for a teacher preparation program (one of the top in the state, it's a great program).  For the past 5 years, I've worked almost exclusively online for them...and pretty consistently.  In the past 4 years, I don't think more than 2-3 weeks have gone by when I wasn't contracted, and many weeks I had more than one contract...it was a great job, and one I could do at all hours of the day so it rarely affected my kids.

And then education in Texas started to unravel at the seams.  And if they're firing teachers left and right and there are hiring freezes across the board, we sure don't need to be pumping out more certified teachers. So, literally overnight, our program boom went bust.  And in walked uncertainty.

In the spring, I had a verbal contract for 9 months worth of work.  I was pretty psyched.  2 months in, you know what happened.  I was lucky to be able to finish the cycle I started in March (not everyone was that lucky, including LOTS of full-time people who work at the main office, unfortunately).

The March cycle ended Sunday night.  Other than my final report, I'm done with this job.

I just don't know what to feel about that.  I can't figure out if I'm stressed about money (well, sure), or if it's my same old issue--letting go of defining myself by what I DO, how much I ACCOMPLISH in a day/week/you get the idea.  Whatever it is, I need to let it go and move on.

I need to be grateful for this opportunity to grow.

I need to be grateful for the opportunity to spend dedicated time with my family (apart from the 8 hours/week I'm working for the school district for the next few weeks...then it'll be back up to half time, which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time...see how confused I am?).

I need to be grateful for the opportunity to pursue other interests, work out, spend dedicated time in Bible study...

...and I will be grateful for all of these things.  But I think maybe just for a little while more I need to be sad about what I'm missing.  And who knows, things could change tomorrow and I could pick up an August contract.  But for today, I'm out of one of my two jobs, and I need to come to grips with that.

The times, they are a-changin.

--Bob Dylan

Plans...

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans...

-John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"

Noble woke up yesterday morning and promptly threw up.  He did it again a couple of times and that was that...we laid low yesterday (thanks for your help, Daddy!) and all seemed well.

And then he did it again right before Kayci and I came home from VBS.

So, today we'll stay home and take it easy.  

In the summer, you'd think that would be pretty easy, but for some reason, it's always a challenge for me to wrap my brain around NOT doing what I had already planned.  Isn't that silly?

Now YOU say, control freak who?

(If you know me, you just got that.  If you didn't get it, call me for a laugh.)

It's going to be a good day...even though the yard guy is coming, we might just have a pajama day!

He is Me

Noble has been soooo...3 these past couple of weeks.  Some days I just don't feel equipped to discipline him, the things he does are so off the wall.

He's so darn cute, too, which makes it all the harder.




Come on, who could keep a straight face while correcting/redirecting this guy?




He's so curious and ready to be big, but still so little in so many ways.  Patience?  Tiny.  Frustration?  Big.  Curiosity?  Big.  Ability?  Sometimes small.  You get the idea.  He wants...but can't have/do/see...you name it.  Cue the fit-throwing, toy-throwing, sister-hitting/scratching/etc.

Cue my patience flying out the window, and me flying off the handle.  Hmm, wonder where he gets that temper?  Oh, yeah.




Every day I pray, because I know what kind of grace God offers to me on a daily--minutely, if there's such a word--basis, and I want to have that same kind of grace when it comes to my kids.  Especially when they do stupid stuff.

Seriously--they just. do. stupid. stuff. sometimes.  And it pisses me off.

We've really been struggling with him hitting Kayci and throwing things at her and just basically going after her whenever he gets grumpy about something.  That has been a BIG problem around here the past few days.  And I'm frustrated.

Then there's the toilet.  He's doing great with underwear (yea!!).  But then a behavior we thought was gone forever has reappeared.  Yesterday we were at the library.  Noble was wuving (loving) my hair and rubbed his hand across my face.  And I smelled it...the kind of smell that says, hey, this hand was recently on a booty and not covered in toilet paper.  Nasty.  And I remembered right before we left for the library, big boy was on the potty and I had to stop him from emptying the toilet paper roll.  Sigh.  As it turns out, he'd empty the roll a little later yesterday and I'd have to get out the plunger...and I was most grumpy.

Fast forward to today, after lunch, I send him to the potty and walk by and darned if he's not doing it AGAIN.  Only this time, he's done it--poop on the hand, toilet full of toilet paper, roll empty.  MAD MOMMY.  So I spanked his hand and yelled at him.  We finished his business, I talked to him about it more, then it was time for nap.

As we were laying there, he's cuddled up on my arm and snuffling since I hurt his feelings more than his hand, and I am just touched by how much I love this kid.  And I told him, Mommy loves you...I just don't understand why you keep making the same bad choices over and over...




...and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  HE is ME.  I keep making the same bad choices over and over again, putting the wrong foods in my mouth, yelling at my kids when a quiet voice would be kinder, being overly critical, being impatient, being selfish...you name it, I sin.  Over and over again.

We have really been working with Noble on not just saying "sorry" whenever he does something wrong, but apologizing and telling the person that he won't do it again.  Aren't I doing the same thing every day with God?  It's a sin to keep taking the same things to Him again and again, asking for his forgiveness and then NOT changing what I'm doing.

He is me.  And I am wrong, and I will change.  Starting with not finishing this throwback I poured to go with the lunch that wasn't what I was supposed to be eating.  Starting with being patient and giving my kids the same grace God gives me.  Starting now.




It felt good, and horrible all at the same time, to realize this while I lay there with my Bubby.  I have some work to do, Lord.

Parenting is so humbling.