So, you know already that when it came time for my life insurance exam, it hit me hard exactly how much "Noble weight" I'm still carrying. Which isn't exactly true--over the summer and fall, I actually gained 8 pounds (great vacation, then living on the road during Dad's initial diagnosis, etc...it got to me, and I made bad food choices). Anyway, so there I was, weighing exactly what I weighed the day I gave birth to Kayci. Not a great place to be. So I thought I was smart--I went to my doctor, who is wonderful and supportive. She prescribed an appetite suppressant that I used 2 years ago when we first moved to Brenham, and at that time, it worked great and I had absolutely no side effects. I felt great and it was exactly what I needed to get started eating better, eating less...I went off of it when my gall bladder started acting up and made really great diet choices until I got pregnant. I kept thinking after I gave birth I'd give up meat again, go back to my "old diet," but eating like that takes time and effort, two things I'm most short on. No excuses--just facts. That's where I was, and why.
I started taking the pills almost a month ago. For the past 2 weeks, especially, I have been very depressed. It's been bugging me, because that's normally not an issue for me. I've got a laundry list of personality changes over the past few weeks--insomnia, irritability, anxiety...anyway, I chalked it up to stress over my Dad and a few other things that have happened recently.
Yesterday was my birthday, and it started out great. And then as I was leaving to go to her party, James said something without thinking and it absolutely ruined my day. It wasn't anything intentionally mean or hurtful--but for whatever reason, it just hit me hard. I was so upset, I got sick to my stomach and had to come back home before Kayci's party...I let go of it during the party and afterwards, when it was just the kids & me at home. We had a GREAT afternoon, and everything was fine until James came home. Again, he said something that probably wasn't a big deal--actually, he asked me if I wanted to go out for my birthday and it just irritated the SNOT out of me because I'd already told him what I wanted to do. So there I was, frustrated with him, angry...and then Kayci started acting up, I'm sure because of the stress between James & me, and I just wanted to get out of there and be alone. So I went to get the pizza, and after I ate, I took the laptop and went into our room and worked. (Which I never do while the kids are awake, and I definitely never shut the door.) When it was time for Noble's bedtime cuddle and bottle, I came out to rock him and sat here for a while with James & Kayci, but I was still grumpy. Later, after Kayci was asleep, James came back and, brave soul that he is, said very nicely, "I'd like for you to stop taking your diet pills for a week..." Of course that didn't go over very well, but after a while I looked the pills up on the internet (too lazy to walk into the next room and get the pharmacy papers) and there in black and white was a perfect description of how I've been feeling--and acting--for the past few weeks.
I'm lucky that I haven't been mean to either kid or anyone else (I hope!), but I have been very quick to anger and just irritable in general. And lots of other things...I just didn't put it all together until James said it. So I didn't take my pill this morning, and I'm going to call my doctor and just let her know that I've been experiencing side effects, see if I need to taper off the pills or can just discontinue them. And while I'm excited about the weight I've dropped in the past month, it's just not worth risking my relationship with James or Kayci--or anyone--to be thinner. I'm very lucky that the worst thing that happened to me and my family was a couple of bad days. The only thing I can think of is that the way the appetite suppressant works, it flips the switch in your brain that signals hunger. But in doing so, it can activate other things. The last time I took the pills, I was fine--life was great. But this time, I was already down about my Dad and for whatever reason the pills just magnified every negative thing in my personality--impatience, irritable, all of that stuff. And yes, I've had issues with my blood pressure & heartbeat in the past week or so but chose to ignore it...but Wednesday afternoon at the Special Ed. party, I realized that my blood pressure was just out of control, for no reason, and that made me start thinking...and then feeling so out of control sad yesterday was pretty scary to me. I think if James had said anything sooner, I wouldn't have been able to "hear" him. But holding up a mirror to those 24 hours, it was pretty clear that I wasn't myself and just wasn't right.
The good news? With everything magnified, I saw some things about my life that I need to change. Not huge things, but I realized that neither James nor I do anything but work and spend time with the family. We both need an outlet, time to do the things that make us...US.
So I'll lose weight the old-fashioned way, just like everyone else. But hey, I've got a 15 pound head start, right? :) Stay tuned for a happier, healthier me...coming soon! And don't be dumb like me--lose weight sensibly. It's like they say, cheaters never win, and I was definitely trying to cheat at the weight loss game.