Mary's Little Boy

I wonder if all parents think about this at Christmas...

Let me start with, last week was our final week of Dave Ramsey.  The last lesson is about giving, and he tells a story about when it really hit home to him about John 3:16--one morning when Dave's son woke up early and wandered into the kitchen where Daddy was doing his Bible study.  He said that sitting there, holding his little boy, it really hit him what God gave up for us--His own, only Son.  And that's stuck with me since Sunday...honestly, now that I have a little boy, it means something entirely new to me.  Since I've been a parent, it's been hard for me to even think about--much less comprehend--the sacrifice that God made for us, through His Son.  It's too big to even describe, and you know I'm wordy and I'd try.  But it's too big.  

There's more, though.  Kayci's Nana gave her a book for Christmas about the animals in the stable, how there's always room for a Little One.  After lunch I was rocking Noble and Kayci came over and piled in the chair and I read that book to them.  As I was reading, Noble was being Noble--smiling around his bottle, sticking his finger up my nose (and then trying to stick the same finger in my mouth), rubbing and then pinching my cheeks...just being, as we say around here, a boy.  And then when the book was done and Kayci moved on to something more exciting, it was just Nobley Obley and me, here in the red chair in a mostly dark living room.  It was quiet and for a moment I just looked into his eyes, wondering at the mischief and pure joy I could see.  And then he started being Noble again, trying to roll over and then giggling when I'd roll him back and cuddle him.  That only lasted a minute, and then he was asleep.  I looked down at him with lunch crusted in his hair, snot shiny on his nose, a hint of a smile on his sleeping mouth...and the love I felt was overwhelming.  And I thought about Mary, and about her raising a little boy named Jesus.  I think he must have been, at least at times, silly and wonderful and messy and mischievous.  And I wonder if there were times that Mary would have gladly wrung his neck, as I think all Moms must feel that way at least once in a while.  :)  It's just so much to even think about...I know as a human I can't comprehend the greatness of Jesus' life or the hugeness of the sacrifice.  But I'm grateful, and I think that has to be enough.  It's hard enough being a first time Mommy, but to have GOD'S baby...geez, no pressure, Mary.  Poor girl!   Brave girl...

Mom's Letter to Santa...

Just got this e-mail from Michelle Applegate...so true, right, Moms & Dads?

Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out -- over several Christmases.

Since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years, so now - -

*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***

* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in an y color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, 'Don't eat in the l iving room' and 'Take your hands off your sister,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

* If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

*If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? I t will clear my conscience immensely.

*It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her red crayon back. Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and come in and dry off, so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always with love and appreciation,
A Mom

P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if you can keep my children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.

Smart girl, dumb diet...

This is pretty personal, but I know many of my friends think a lot about losing weight, too and I think it's important to tell this.  I'm a pretty smart girl, I think, but I did something very dumb.

So, you know already that when it came time for my life insurance exam, it hit me hard exactly how much "Noble weight" I'm still carrying.  Which isn't exactly true--over the summer and fall, I actually gained 8 pounds (great vacation, then living on the road during Dad's initial diagnosis, etc...it got to me, and I made bad food choices).  Anyway, so there I was, weighing exactly what I weighed the day I gave birth to Kayci.  Not a great place to be.  So I thought I was smart--I went to my doctor, who is wonderful and supportive.  She prescribed an appetite suppressant that I used 2 years ago when we first moved to Brenham, and at that time, it worked great and I had absolutely no side effects.  I felt great and it was exactly what I needed to get started eating better, eating less...I went off of it when my gall bladder started acting up and made really great diet choices until I got pregnant.  I kept thinking after I gave birth I'd give up meat again, go back to my "old diet,"  but eating like that takes time and effort, two things I'm most short on.  No excuses--just facts.  That's where I was, and why.

I started taking the pills almost a month ago.  For the past 2 weeks, especially, I have been very depressed.  It's been bugging me, because that's normally not an issue for me.  I've got a laundry list of personality changes over the past few weeks--insomnia, irritability, anxiety...anyway, I chalked it up to stress over my Dad and a few other things that have happened recently.  

Yesterday was my birthday, and it started out great.   And then as I was leaving to go to her party, James said something without thinking and it absolutely ruined my day.  It wasn't anything intentionally mean or hurtful--but for whatever reason, it just hit me hard.  I was so upset, I got sick to my stomach and had to come back home before Kayci's party...I let go of it during the party and afterwards, when it was just the kids & me at home.  We had a GREAT afternoon, and everything was fine until James came home.  Again, he said something that probably wasn't a big deal--actually, he asked me if I wanted to go out for my birthday and it just irritated the SNOT out of me because I'd already told him what I wanted to do.  So there I was, frustrated with him, angry...and then Kayci started acting up, I'm sure because of the stress between James & me, and I just wanted to get out of there and be alone.  So I went to get the pizza, and after I ate, I took the laptop and went into our room and worked.  (Which I never do while the kids are awake, and I definitely never shut the door.)  When it was time for Noble's bedtime cuddle and bottle, I came out to rock him and sat here for a while with James & Kayci, but I was still grumpy.  Later, after Kayci was asleep, James came back and, brave soul that he is, said very nicely, "I'd like for you to stop taking your diet pills for a week..." Of course that didn't go over very well, but after a while I looked the pills up on the internet (too lazy to walk into the next room and get the pharmacy papers) and there in black and white was a perfect description of how I've been feeling--and acting--for the past few weeks.  

I'm lucky that I haven't been mean to either kid or anyone else (I hope!), but I have been very quick to anger and just irritable in general.  And lots of other things...I just didn't put it all together until James said it.  So I didn't take my pill this morning, and I'm going to call my doctor and just let her know that I've been experiencing side effects, see if I need to taper off the pills or can just discontinue them.  And while I'm excited about the weight I've dropped in the past month, it's just not worth risking my relationship with James or Kayci--or anyone--to be thinner.  I'm very lucky that the worst thing that happened to me and my family was a couple of bad days.  The only thing I can think of is that the way the appetite suppressant works, it flips the switch in your brain that signals hunger.  But in doing so, it can activate other things.  The last time I took the pills, I was fine--life was great.  But this time, I was already down about my Dad and for whatever reason the pills just magnified every negative thing in my personality--impatience, irritable, all of that stuff.  And yes, I've had issues with my blood pressure & heartbeat in the past week or so but chose to ignore it...but Wednesday afternoon at the Special Ed. party, I realized that my blood pressure was just out of control, for no reason, and that made me start thinking...and then feeling so out of control sad yesterday was pretty scary to me.  I think if James had said anything sooner, I wouldn't have been able to "hear" him.  But holding up a mirror to those 24 hours, it was pretty clear that I wasn't myself and just wasn't right.

The good news?  With everything magnified, I saw some things about my life that I need to change.  Not huge things, but I realized that neither James nor I do anything but work and spend time with the family.  We both need an outlet, time to do the things that make us...US.  

So I'll lose weight the old-fashioned way, just like everyone else.  But hey, I've got a 15 pound head start, right?  :)  Stay tuned for a happier, healthier me...coming soon!  And don't be dumb like me--lose weight sensibly.  It's like they say, cheaters never win, and I was definitely trying to cheat at the weight loss game.  

Don't know why it's sideways, but look:  my first birthday gift!  :)  Haitham and Najwa got it for me--I saw the lady at the Scarecrow Festival and typewriters are on my list of all-time favorite things...I'm so excited!  :)  

The more I have to do...

One of my instructors and I were e-mailing back & forth yesterday about a situation that we'd been dealing with for a while, then my supervisor stepped in and took care of it lickety-split.  The instructor was so impressed with how she handled it, and I wrote back, "yes, she was on FIRE Friday!"  so the instructor wrote back something to the effect of how I've been on fire lately, too, handling problems as they come up, etc.

And I thought about it--isn't that the way it always is?  Work-wise, right now, I'm busier than I have been since I can remember.  But the more I have to do, the more I get done.  It's a good thing, I guess.  Just thought I'd share--figured you guys can totally relate!

Besides, my blog has turned into a big ol' whine-o-rama.  I need to get back to giving thanks for the MANY blessings in my life--I'll start with y'all today!  :)  

Today is a good day!

Mornings have been rough around here this week, but our family morning today was 99% perfect.  James knows I've really been stressed, so he really stepped up today; just knowing that he cares enough to do that just to make me feel better makes me feel better.  :)  I'm caught up in all 3 jobs for the first time this week...woo hoo!  Just in time--Noble's up!

Ehh...

I could never live in Alaska...cold, dark days like today make me so melancholy!

Woo Hoo!

I've lost 13 pounds since this whole Life Insurance thing made me get serious about losing weight...woo hoo!  And if you know me, here's something that will make you laugh:  I could NOT fill the stupid urine sample cup today, and I tried--TWICE.  It reminded me of the night we found out we were pregnant with Kayci and James made me um, use 3 pg tests...he kept bringing them to me, along with Pepsi--drink this so you can go some more!  :)  

Handprints on the Mirror...

Today's been rough, for some reason--I went to bed bummed and woke up bummed, but had a great morning with Kayci and Noble the homewrecker...all was well until we got back from taking Kayci to school (we went in with her this morning, which always makes ALL of us happy!) and Noble decided not to nap.  Here we are 2 hours later, and he's just going to sleep.  The house is an absolute wreck, which sucks because a) I cleaned before we went to bed last night and b) it's grading day. So, am working on laundry as I can and picking up here and there while playing with/loving on Nobley...he's had quite a morning--unspooled half a roll of toilet paper, dismantled Kayci's Hannah Montana stage, pulled over her Christmas tree...and yes, I do supervise him, but sometimes it's more fun to see what he'll do than it is to pick him up and move him away from a potential mess. :) Oh, and he pulled a bunch of books off of his bookcase, too. And the handprints on the full-length mirror...

A friend of mine from Region 4 is a lady with daughters my age and grandchildren, and she somehow knows just what to say to encourage me.  This is what she just e-mailed...it's simple, we've seen it before, but it's a great reminder.  I COULD clean Noble's handprints off the bathroom mirror, but they'll never be the size they are today, will they?  I'll never have this morning back, so I'm glad I held him and loved him through it rather than closing him off in a room to cry it out...and if you're one of those Moms, more power to you--it's just not my style.  Turns out, stinky Pete had a reason for not being able to sleep...I'm still waiting for the smell to leave the office.  :)

Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls
But every day I'm growing --
I'll be grown some day
And all those tiny handprints
Will surely fade away

So here's a little handprint
Just so you can recall
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small

Of course, by the time this uploaded he's up again...

All Through the Night...

I don't know what it is, but I just can't sleep.  I laid in bed for a while watching "Private Practice" on the laptop, but I started thinking of a couple of things I'd left undone...so I got up and headed into the office.  And I wrapped all of the gifts...caught up on reference letters...did some coloring for Kayci's teacher...cleaned out my teacher books...organized a box of junk that's been in the closet for months...emptied out a box of files that have been sitting by the table for over a month...cleaned out a ton of files, recycling duplicates and outdated stuff...did my Friday morning grading...then James came in looking for me, and I realized what time it was.  So now I'm going to try to go to sleep--but this time, it'll be with a clean slate.  What a way to head into Friday!  Ooh, maybe Nobley and I will head to Bellville to take care of my deferred adjudication paperwork that's been hanging out there since August...

Poem

Mandy e-mailed this to me this morning, and I thought I'd put it up here...hopefully you'll stop and say thanks for the members of our military.  :)  

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'

This poem was written by a Marine.

The Rhythm of my Days

Today is a very good day...everyone's needs are met, and I've got a clean house, a happy baby, and satisfied people at my various jobs who depend on me for different things.  And, gravy--I've had a shower and am wearing make-up!  :)  

Today started off rough, with both kids waking up way too early.  James and I try to get in an hour, hour and a half of work before the kids wake up (or he goes to the gym).  But today we rolled with it, and ended up using the bonus time to let Kayci make our blueberry muffins.  After that, the morning went off without a hitch.  When James and Kayci left at 7:48, Noble and I sat down to rock and have a bottle, and he was in his crib asleep at 8.  He slept for an hour and 47 minutes, and in that time, I:  ate a muffin, completed a report, answered e-mails, sent e-mails to various students and Region 4, took care of some pending GPISD stuff and set up my work for this afternoon when he sleeps, swept the floors, dusted, did bottles, took a 30 minute work phone call, posted a mega-blog about traditions...just as I finished that, he woke up.  But he wasn't crying, so I tiptoed into the bathroom to see if I could get away with a quick shower...10 minutes later, I was clean, dressed, and holding a very snuggly boy.  We did the after-nap stuff and played, and for the last little bit he's been emptying Kayci's box of paintbrushes (after tasting each one, of course) while I sorted recycling, fed Sami, and took out trash.  Now it's time to run a couple of errands, recycling center & HEB, before we come home and cook lunch.  Which I'm excited about, as we have fresh basil for the tomato soup today--our basil plant is doing great in the bigger pot!  After James leaves to go back to work, Noble will go down for his afternoon nap and I'll grab another hour and a half of GPISD time before we go get Kayci and Lydia from school.  Then it's time to do homework, talk about her day, and make SNOW!  When James gets home at 6, we'll eat dinner (turkey, I think we're crazy to have it again...) and do the normal bedtime stuff.  We started reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever last night--neither James nor Kayci has ever read it, so it's fun to see the Herdmans through their eyes.  And after both kids are in bed, James and I will work on our separate work projects for a while before we sit down to catch up on some homework for our FPU class this Sunday.  

This is the rhythm of my days...not every day goes smoothly, and most days I don't hit every note I'd like.  But today is a good day, and one good day every so often is enough to make me keep trying.  This week James and I talked about putting Noble in daycare ahead of our plan to give me more time to actually work...most days, this sounds great.  The reality of it, though, is that I'd rather be unhappy part of the time than feel guilty for being at home while Noble the infant is in daycare.  I'm okay with him going next year, because as a toddler he'll need that socialization and language...but for now, as crazy as it all is, I like my life just like this.  Well, most days.  :)  

Ho, Ho, Ho...

Kayci loves, loves "The Santa Clause" movies.  We were watching the first one, where Scott Calvin gains 45 pounds in a week, and there's the whole sequence with him in the t-shirt with his belly hanging out, bouncing on the treadmill, etc.  It's pretty cute.  But then as I was getting into the shower I was like, hmm.  I've seen that belly somewhere before...

Ugh.  Ho, freaking ho ho.  

One Day at a Time

It's hard to let go and just go along for the ride, isn't it?  I like to know what happens next, what's coming around the curve...and that's just not possible.  Every day it seems Dad's situation changes, and I'm glad to roll with it...but at the same time, it's hard to HAVE to live one day at a time.  I don't kid myself that when this is over and life finds a new normal that I'll be content to live one day at a time...but who knows?  Many days I feel like the silver lining in this--for my little family--is that we're/I'm learning to be less busy, to stop and take time to just BE.  

Easier said than done, friends.  

Woo Hoo!

I am officially caught up in 2 of my 3 jobs...I wasn't able to grade last week and that has been weighing on me. So, today in addition to playing with Noble and getting the house back under control, I have caught up on grading. Woo hoo!

I can't control it all, I know, but it feels good when there is something I CAN change and I DO. And that has to be enough for today. Leaving everything else behind, sitting here in my clean (and quite Christmas-y!) living room, I'm a happy girl...