...Remind me of this with every decision.
Generations will reap what I sow.
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
to those I will never know...
This song has been stuck in my head since Bible study yesterday, and this picture came to mind. Parenting, a lot of it, is us doing what our parents did. Some of it is us doing what we wish our parents had done. Some of it is intuitive, and some of it soooooooooo goes against our grain. When I look at myself, I see my Mom...when I look at her, I see my Grandma...and while they both are/were amazing women, there are some traits I/we have that I definitely don't want to pass on to Kayci. I won't say it's a daily struggle, because unfortunately, a lot of times when I'm "in the moment" I'm not thinking about the seeds that I'm sowing...I'm just thinking, "I can't believe she did that!" Then when I step back and have a moment of reflection, like, say, Bible study, I think..."holy crap, I'm screwing it all up!" I want to be a better Mom than I am right now...there are lots of things I need to work on. One of those things IS a daily struggle, and that's putting aside what I think I "need" to do and doing what my kids are doing. I'm getting better at that, but it is a lot more difficult than it sounds. I envy those of you whose default is on the dirty floor playing (no, seriously--I'm not making fun!) and not caring about the last time you swept or what's for dinner or if the laundry is all done.
Today is one of those days when I have to get some stuff done (have to...my car is full to the brim of MOPS garage sale stuff. Thanks, Mom--they're going to be so happy!) and then I have to take Noble into Houston and work for a while. But my goal is to make sure this morning is calm and we have a little fun while we're getting ready for our day...Kristi, Jr. (that'd be my Kayci) lost a folder yesterday and is terrified she'll have a U on her report card now. I'm torn between walking her in this morning so she'll be calm until she finds said folder, or letting her do it on her own. I don't want to be "that Mom," but then again, I hate to think of her day starting off on a sour note. Sigh...I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be worth all of this, right?
My prayer is that the things I do MATTER in a lasting way. Let my kids remember me doing things with them, not sweeping the floor (I'm getting better at letting that go, Dad!) and being too busy to listen to or be with them. And give me a little grace, too, that they don't remember all of the times I raise my voice or forget to show them grace...and let those times be the exception, not the rule.
PS--It was like taking a walk through time when I searched for that picture this morning. This was taken when Kayci was 6 weeks old. As soon as she was old enough to travel, we took her to Kansas to meet Grandma Weseloh, who she's named after. By that point, Grandma was in and out of lucidity (is that the right way to say that?) The last day wasn't a great day. When we left, she wasn't aware at all, so I didn't feel like I'd really gotten to say goodbye to her. I forgot something in her room, and I ran back in at the last minute to get it. It was just the two of us, and she looked up and talked to ME. She knew who I was, she knew that I'd brought Kayci--that I was finally a Mommy!--and that we were leaving. She told me to raise Kayci to follow the right path, among other things. It was a conversation I'll never forget, and it turned out to be the last conversation I ever had with her. Two weeks later, she was gone. What a blessing that weekend was to me, to have pictures of Kayci with Grandma and to see Grandma smiling down at her (honestly, in some of these Grandma's not aware that it's Kayci Clara she's holding--she's just loving a baby in her lap again!). So these pictures made me smile. I try not to think of all the things Grandma's missed over the past 7 years, because I have to hope she knows exactly how amazing her namesake has turned out to be.
PPS--Today is show and tell. Kayci is wearing a tutu (!) and will be so cute...while she talks to her class about her show and tell item, a half dollar. She researched it and everything. I tried to tell her the other kids will be bringing their favorite stuffed animals or things like that, but she is set on the half dollar. (?) Love that kid!