12 March 2009

Breaking Up is Hard to Do...

I started this post Monday morning and then, as is usually the case, got busy and didn't finish it. It's been a long 4 days and I can't seem to catch this train of thought, so I'll post what I've got and I'll know, inside, that this could have been very touching. :)

Approximately an hour and a half ago, I bit the bullet. I did it. It was hard, it was a bit embarrassing, with all of the begging and pleading and offers of all kinds of crazy stuff if we could just keep the relationship going.

I thought I'd feel more than this. Sad, maybe. Relieved, maybe, at not having to hide anymore. I'm not sure what you'd call it--if men have mistresses, what do women have? Hmm. I'd say a Sugar Daddy, but I definitely paid in this relationship. And paid and paid and paid...

For years, I turned to you when I was bored, sad, happy, excited, devastated, embarrassed, proud...I could rationalize our time together a million different ways. Sometimes James sanctioned our relationship, but too many times we had to hide, you and I. I remember coming home and hiding where I'd been, hoping he wouldn't check the credit card statements too closely that month. And when he did catch me, not in a lie, because I never lied, but in an omission...ah, not my best moments. I remember how my stomach would hurt from nerves, anxiety that this time he might just catch us and end our relationship forever. But somehow, he always managed to forgive me my indiscretions, just as I looked the other way and pretended not to see his.

You've been my constant companion, and our relationship has endured even longer than my relationship with James. You've always been there for me, since that time in college when you helped me out with Sami...remember how I thought she needed only the best of everything, from dog shampoo to Science Diet? What an expensive mutt she turned out to be. And then there were all of the "extras" you helped me with...from Biolage shampoo to shoes to clothes and eventually even some furniture. You were there when the car broke down, or when there was too much month left at the end of the money. How many times did we go shopping for gifts, intending to be good but then saying what the heck? and splurging anyway? You've been there through the good times and the not so good times. You've been on vacation with us more times than I can count. Remember that time we went to the Grand Canyon and we ran out of money 2 days before we came home? That was pretty crazy, but we made it through somehow. How silly (and young and dumb?) were we? There's the computer you bought--we intended to pay you back when the next Dick Cricket check came in, but you know... Or the computer equipment you bought and we thought, oh, we'll pay you back when we get our tax refund...hmm.  How'd that work out?

For years, you and I have had an unhealthy relationship.  I'd use you, you'd pay me back and then some.  You cost me so much more than you were worth, and I couldn't see it because after living the lie for so long, being with you just seemed "normal."  After all, everyone does it, right?  Wrong.  I'm not doing it anymore--in fact, even before we broke up officially today, I haven't seen you in MONTHS.  You've still been there, though, just waiting for me to backslide, but this time I didn't.  And I won't.  

I have to say, though, that this morning was just embarrassing.  The begging, the pleading, the offers...too little, too late.  Years too late, actually.  I know there will be other suckers out there who fall for your smooth talk and promises, but I'll do my part to let people know what a liar and a cheat you are.  

Goodbye, Discover card.  So long, old friend. I won't say that I'll miss you, because when I think of all that you ultimately cost me over the years, I get very angry--not at you, but at myself. I'm glad to see you go, and all the wrong in my life that you represent.

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